bouncing back

i am not fucking okay
i am tired of being strong
tough
courageous
brave
resilient
i am angry psychotic and bloodthirsty
fuck it
this is my diary
and i am a mad black woman
i am a bitter black woman
and im sick of carrying the weight of love on my shoulders
and bearing the burden of pain in silence
and swallowing the bile that raises in my throat nightly
i demand my right to breakdown
i demand my right to cry and curse and kick and scream
and shake my hair and punch the walls
and throw my shoe at my tormentor's face
as he tries to calm me down...
i am sick of dealing with shit
on the sole premise that because i am strong i can bounce back
i want to lie broken on the ground for awhile
spill my guts on the pavement and mourn their loss
i want to plot heinous revenge schemes
walk around my house in bathrobe and fuzzy slippers for a week
and do not ask me if i am okay
i am not okay, do i look okay?
i will fucking fuck your shit up
i am angry psychotic and bloodthirsty
and i've got a gun

love grotto

i love your kisses
i love hearing my name from your mouth
i love tracing the veins in your forearms
i love the way i fit in your embrace
i love it when we lay in bed til 3
i love cooking for you
i love watching you leave to go to work
i love waiting for you at the door when you get home

i love you

i love wrestling with you over the remote
i love betting against you in poker
i love showing you off to my friends
i love it when we play outside
i love nursing you back to health
i love dragging you to places you dont wanna go
i love your forgiveness of me

i love you

i love buying you things
i love getting presents from you
i love hiding your shoes when i dont want you to leave
i love when u pull me back to you
i love the way your breath feels on my neck
i love it when u make me laugh when im mad
i love the way your eyes follow me as i leave the room
i love the way you need me

i love you

i live for the days when we play together
i sleep soundly knowing im in your arms
i rise knowing that you want me
i try because you care
i excel to make you proud
i push because you need it
i nag only when absolutely necessary
i cry and you catch the teardrops
i smile and you bathe in the sunshine

my successes are your coups
my losses are your heartbreak
my words are a remix of your thoughts
my thoughts are the spawn of your love

when lengthening shadows turn to dark and the footfalls of children fall silent
when the lights in houses extinguish one by one
we sneak off behind the rose garden
and through the enchanted forest
to a still and quiet grotto where reality has no bearing
reclining in the ivy leaves, sipping nectar from the tulip cups
my heart, my love, my sweet sweet passion
no action grows old, no token mundane
no phrase cliche, no gesture hackneyed, trite, or stale
love bleeds fresh in a babbling brook
my love for you goes on
my love for you multiplies infinitely in a widening gyre of time

i love you

the thunder, perfect mind

for i am the first and the last.
i am the honored one and the scorned one.
i am the whore and the holy one.
i am the wife and the virgin.
i am the mother and the daughter.
i am the members of my mother.
i am the barren one
and many are her sons.
i am she whose wedding is great,
and i have not taken a husband.
i am the midwife and she who does not bear.
i am the solace of my labor pains.
i am the bride and the bridegroom,
and it is my husband who begot me.
i am the mother of my father
and the sister of my husband,
and he is my offspring.
i am the slave of him who prepared me.
i am the ruler of my offspring.
but he is the one who begot me before the time on a birthday
and he is my offspring in due time,
and my power is from him.
i am the staff of his power in his youth,
and he is the rod of my old age.
and he wills happens to me.
i am the silence that is incomprehensible
and the idea whose rememberance is frequent.
i am the voice whose sound is manifold
and the word whose appearance is multiple
i am the utterance of my name