bouncing back

i am not fucking okay
i am tired of being strong
tough
courageous
brave
resilient
i am angry psychotic and bloodthirsty
fuck it
this is my diary
and i am a mad black woman
i am a bitter black woman
and im sick of carrying the weight of love on my shoulders
and bearing the burden of pain in silence
and swallowing the bile that raises in my throat nightly
i demand my right to breakdown
i demand my right to cry and curse and kick and scream
and shake my hair and punch the walls
and throw my shoe at my tormentor's face
as he tries to calm me down...
i am sick of dealing with shit
on the sole premise that because i am strong i can bounce back
i want to lie broken on the ground for awhile
spill my guts on the pavement and mourn their loss
i want to plot heinous revenge schemes
walk around my house in bathrobe and fuzzy slippers for a week
and do not ask me if i am okay
i am not okay, do i look okay?
i will fucking fuck your shit up
i am angry psychotic and bloodthirsty
and i've got a gun